Reflecting on 2020

Oh hey hi!

Welcome to this post. I like to reflect on each year at the end of the year. And normally my years are pretty full of positive events and this year was very different. Mostly negative honestly. And my shit year started before Covid even took over.

I think its safe to say how ever 2020 looked for you, it was a complete dumpster fire.

I had all the plans in the world, just like everyone else, to make 2020 my year. I was moving home, I had so many ideas I wanted to hit the ground running on when I got back to Buffalo. The restaurant scene, Niagara wine Region, and the Finger Lakes wine region. I was so pumped! I was so ready!!! But 2020 had a different plan for me and my husband.

On January 9th 2020 my husband and I had a fatality at work. Never did I dream that I or my husband would experience that, and grieve that. And grieve it a year later. The flash backs of that day have gotten worse as we creep up on the year anniversary. I am grateful my husband is safe and my other coworkers are safe. That was truly one of the hardest things I have had to experience and go through with my husband. I think it will always hurt. Its not something we take lightly at all.

On a positive note or turn. Even though we left the state of Washington on poor terms, we did move back to Buffalo NY. A few days later than what we planned. While I will never drive cross country again. I am grateful for the experience and all that we saw. We moved into our first home. I am so grateful to own this home. To live in this home. To have a roof over my head for me and my little family.

We stopped at Mount Rushmore on that trip. And that was so cool to see in person. Definitely need to go back when things are not closed and or when covid has calmed down.

My last trip was to Texas for our company holiday party at the very beginning of February. I wish I would have known that was going to be, maybe we would have done more. But I am grateful for that last little trip. I think we would have traveled this year a little more over the summer. It is just hard to do that when Kurt was away in South Dakota.

Getting settled into a house is overwhelming!!! But also fun at the same time. To create spaces in your house and decorate. Redo things. Home ownership is wild! And because of Covid and being stuck at home we were able to do a lot of things that probably would have had to wait.

Shortly after that was when Covid hit. The anxiety set in. The worry, the fear and the unknown of what was going to happen. Things shut down, I felt trapped. I was angry! I was confused. How the heck am I supposed to live life and do all of my ideas for 2020 being trapped in a house and worried if I am going to get Covid or not.

I feel like from March 13th till about the beginning of May was all a blur. We were home, doing all the puzzles, drinking all the wine and eating all the food. Covid 15 anyone? And honestly can you blame anyone for doing any of those things?

Then the beginning of May was when Kurt left for South Dakota and that was a new mountain to climb. I was only in a big ole house, new neighborhood, and I hadn’t been solo with out him in 3 years. The first week was really rough. I wasn’t sleeping well or a lot. Things were still shut down so I was navigating stay at home order solo. Huge shout out to single people and them getting through this chaos alone. You deserve an award.

The summer was much better, much easier to get through because we had nice weather and things were kind of opened and you could go places and see friends if you were comfortable with it.

My biggest win of 2020 and the my best moment of 2020 was having my last MRI and getting my all clear. 20 years brain tumor free. That’s the shit worth celebrating and nothing was going to take that away from me except my anxiety (lol). You think you are all fine and dandy and then anxiety knocks at your door and goes “mmmmm not so much.” I got my all clear and 10 minutes later I was in a puddle of tears. I was overwhelmed, worried, scared and wondering “omg am I actually ok?” I know doctors/surgeons need to cover their butts to a certain extent but closing an all clear call with “if you get any symptoms of a tumor please seek medical attention or call us.” Gee thanks! It took about a week for me to settle into my new norm. To close out a huge chapter of my life. To start a new one. It was all I ever knew. It was apart of the routine. Every 4 years I needed to go get checked out. As nerve racking as it is. I am happy to close that chapter. I am happy to never need an MRI for my brain hopefully ever again. I am just navigating this all one day at a time.

At the beginning of September I lost my Papa. To Covid. Oh you better believe I was about to raise hell for that. Were honestly not even 100% if that was why but it is on his death certificate and we couldn’t get him retested before he passed. The home he was in said it was possible they screwed up someone else test results with his because of similar names. How fucked up is that? There is still a lot of anger around that whole situation. My husband and I were supposed to take Papa in for his final days and then he got Covid and the next day he was gone. 94, a long life, loved by many, served in the Navy and Covid took him from us. Took away the opportunity for him to be with family as he lived out his final days. I was so angry. I still am. But in a weird way I have peace. I believe God was with him as well as his wife, my Grandma and that 94 years is a hell of a life. I miss him every day. The holidays were weird this year with out him. And the last time I saw him was in March when he first got sick. I never got to see him again. My heart is full of gratitude for him and him being apart of my life as my Papa.

The last 3 months of 2020 we celebrated a lot of firsts with holidays in our house. It was so fun to decorate. Passed out candy at Halloween. Had my parents for Thanksgiving and it was just the 3 of us for Christmas. Kurt, Brooke and I.

I wrote it in an Instagram post a few weeks ago on one of my Gratitude Monday posts and I just want to re write it here.

2020 was for sure the year that was so uncomfortable, painful, scary , insanely raw and saw. But can’t we all agree it grew us or is growing us in a new way we never saw coming? 2020 isn’t about the things we missed out on, or the trip we couldn’t take. 2020 is about the year tha tmade me grateful for the little things around me that I took for granted. 2020 is the year that helped me learn patients a little more, kindness a little more and love a little more. And for that, I am grateful.

This post isn’t to have a pity party of how shitty my year was. This is to reflect and to learn and grow from all of 2020. And to have hope of the year ahead. I hope and wish that 2021 is a little calmer for everyone. Less hate and more love. Less fakeness and more realness. Less divide and more unity.

I’d say cheers 2020. But Fuck 2020 seems more fitting. See you in 2021.

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